Bye Bye Beardie

So ... I grew a long beard. 6 months' worth. It looked like this on Monday:



But this Thursday, I fly to Denver to attend a wedding on Saturday and ... I just don't want to be "That Guy" in Cheese's wedding photos. But I'd put so much effort into effortlessness that I didn't want to just kiss it all away so easily.

Tuesday:



(I dunno why I LOVE this pic but I fell in love and emulated the look for the following pics.)

Wednesday:



This day was the worst. Just look at that monstrosity!

Thursday:



This day was easily the most popular. Curly is ballsy and invited lots of intimations about Mr. Monopoly, Ringmasters, That Guy Who Wasn't Dudley Do-Right, Turn-Of-The-Century-Strongmen-With-Labeled-Round-Barbells, etc. Personally, it was the worst day. It looked good 'n' funny, but the pomade I used to curl it kept running into my mouth and I spent the whole day with a chemical taste in the back of my throat.

Friday:



I slicked my hair back (what hair I have left [in the front, anyway])) and caught hell about that ("Zorro!" "Rico Suave!" etc.), as opposed to my crappy, blond nod to Gable and Addams.

Saturday:



Finale:

Big beard: Mom hates it. Friends applaud it. Coworkers comment on it.

This week's change/performance: Out of 60 or so coworkers only 10 percent seemed to be "in" on the joke/performance (if you could even call it that).

I'm growing back my old 1/8-inch beard because, as the pictures attest, I'm a chinless freak.

[P.S. I'd have normally spelled "Beardie" as "Beardy," but for pun's sake, I went against my own spelling fastidiousness.]

Frito Lay Customer Comment Line 1-800-352-4477

Stumped for something to say to the good folks at Frito Lay? Following is a list of interesting conversation starters:

• "Is this your idea of funny? Which one of you farted in this bag of Cheetos? I just opened a new bag and it smells like fart."

• "How can I grow my own Funyuns?"

• "This bag of Rold Gold Pretzels:
sold my neighbor's kid counterfeit tickets to see Foreigner at the State Fair!"
is looking at me funny."
ran up charges on my credit card!"
wrote an inflammatory email to my boss!"
gave me head lice!"

• "I read that you're coming out with some new Star Trek-flavored Doritos. Which captain will the bag feature? Kirk or Picard?"

• "Is it true that Chuck Berry's Ghost is scheduled to be on your board of directors?"

• "This Christmas tree is defective!"

Mother Knows (Me) Best

So Sunday before last was my birthday. This weekend I finally made it up to the 'rents to celebrate. My mom got me this card:





Well 30-some years later I've managed a 180:



The kid on the card isn't actually me. And the choice of card is no happy accident. In fact Mom helped make PottyShirt v1.0.

She also got me this:

Dubiously Surefire Ways to Pass (Portions of) a Roadside Sobriety Test

Disclaimer: The writer will not be held responsible for any damages incurred as the result of the following. The writer would also like to point out that one should never take legal advice from a man in a diaper, Matlock excepted.

1. Be illiterate. When the arresting officer asks you to recite the alphabet backwards simply burst into tears and sob something to the effect of "I can't read! I never learned my BVDs!"

2. Be an amputee. Walking a straight line is tough enough even sober. Walking a straight line missing a leg/wearing a prosthetic/using those weird polio crutches is probably nigh-impossible. The bright side is you'll have hopping in place on one leg down pat.

3. Lack a nose. If asked to hold your arms apart and slowly touch your nose simply point out your missing proboscis and the incredible insensitivity of the arresting officer. An industrious drunk might be tempted to endeavor in an impromptu nose-ectomy but, per the old adage, it's never a good idea to cut off one's nose to spite the fuzz.

Gettin' Back On The Horse (That Done Gone & Threw Me)

Made a new shirt.